They say that you miss all the chances that you never take and still they can’t convince me to have you. You are the one chance that I’m willing to take for your sake. You need to know that I’m not a perfect person, far from it, and I hate living in this world. I’ve never tried to fit in. Never have I tried to compete with others. I’ve lived a simple life, rejoicing in others’ achievements and comforting them at their saddest. I’ve almost never gotten the same support from others and that’s one of the reasons I can’t make you a part of my life: no support system.
I’ve tried so hard to see the good in people, and not just random people but the ones I loved and respected, cousins I spent my childhood with, friends I broke all my rules for and even acquaintances that I met through them. I treated them with so much love, put them all on a pedestal. Because it mattered to me to see them happy. It made me proud if I was the reason for their happiness. Thanks to my upbringing, I believed truly that my discomforts and my problems should never interrupt the joys of others. That everyone else was always more important than me. And I believed all of it, still do. I believe that I’m not at all worth anything. And the way these people treated me just solidifies that fact. So how can I make you a part of this very sad life?
I’ve been betrayed so many times by the people I would bleed for that I barely trust anyone now. I believe in the worst of people and maybe it’s because of that that I do end up finding the worst in them. I used to think people were selfish when I was young and now I think they’re mean-spirited too. The only thing that’s stopping them from causing harm to the people that don’t think the same way as them is the law and sometimes even that isn’t enough. So tell me how do I make you a part of this world?
I’ve lost count of the number of times people have ignored me or brushed my feelings aside because they don’t think I’m at an important enough place in life. The way I could garner their respect was by achieving something they could benefit from. Only then would they think that I was worth their precious time. It’s not just limited to people I’m loosely connected to, but my closest friends, relatives and even my parents. They think love is a commodity that can be bartered for the checkpoints in life that the society has put up for people. If I fail to reach those checkpoints, I don’t deserve their love or even respect. They then get a free pass to treat me like I’m disposable. Every relationship I’ve seen is based on this. And I’m being punished for not adhering to this great society’s guidelines to a perfect life. So how can I make you suffer their wrath, too?
I’ve grown up trying to fulfil expectations. I’ve grown up with the burden of my family’s honour on my little shoulders. You know why? Because, unfortunately, my father didn’t pass on the Y chromosome and I ended up with two Xs. So now my body is not my own, my thoughts are not my own and my life is not my own. I live for my community and my parents’ honour. That I may end up completely destroying my family with a few personal choices like not getting married. Because how dare I make such a selfish choice? My decisions are not my own because my body is not my own. Because this great society believes that a girl has two lives: one as the father’s possession and the latter as the husband’s possession. And that is why so many daughters suffer because the society asks them to bear the tantrums of their father instead of telling the father to get his act together. An alcoholic, abusive father is still better than a rebellious daughter. And if the daughter dareth take a stand for herself, the people who turned a blind eye towards the abusive father will shame the girl. Because as a girl you’re enslaved to the men. As a wife you get to see the pain and torture that your husband will put your daughter through and either you’ll fight for her or silently join the crowd sneering at the fall of the little girl. Either ways, not much help can come off this situation. So how can I put you in it?
So I’ll make a pact with you. You’ll never suffer the same things that I did. Even if it comes at the cost of my happiness and maybe one day I’ll look back and regret it. But it’s better to regret not having you than have you and regret it. I can’t bring you to this world especially knowing that this world if full of cruel people out for your blood. Just for the crime of being born different. And god forbid (yes, the same god that always preaches about women being inferior to men) if your father messes up with chromosome too, you’ll be stuck in this mess with a huge disadvantage: of being a girl. Although I would protect you and never shame you for your decisions, how will I protect you from the same vultures that devoured me? How will I teach them to respect you when they’ve all never learnt to respect what they can’t understand? How will I give you a good life when I’ve fought so hard for just the basic necessities? How will I prepare you for the hurt and betrayal that you’ll face for being born as my child; the child of someone who’s an outcast? How will I train you for the torture and the pain that girls have to face just as a cost of living?
No, I’ll not do that. They say it takes a village to raise a child and my whole village is rotten. And I don’t see things changing or getting better soon. So it’s best that we part our ways even before we get to meet. I’m sure if I had you, you would be a vibrant, happy soul with no fear for the world but I can’t bring someone like you to a world that’s not equipped for a person like that. To trap you in this corrupted world, making you follow their pathetic rules and bearing their malicious ways, is something I would never put you through. You’ll not miss a life that you have not known.
A Rogue Planet 